Thursday, July 30, 2009

Always the Critic

I find it easy to criticize others as well as myself. I also feel bad if I don't have something good to say to balance the bad. There are some people in my life that deserve no good spoken of them, although those numbers are few and I tend to not bother myself with speaking ill of those that are not good enough to lick the dirt off my shoe.

Currently I am troubled by the fact that I have no roots. Whatever roots I may have had were ripped out years ago when I left Massachusetts and since then I've been bouncing from spot to spot. I admit I like bouncing from spot to spot - new experiences, people, and scenery excite me. I dare say they are part of my lifeblood. Blame the Sagittarius Moon, the Pisces Sun, both and/or the gypsy heritage, but staying in one place for too long starts to suffocate me.

I have been in the same town AND the same house for one year and eight months and I feel like I can't BREATHE. I'll never be able to thrust any roots into the ground here as the area will never suit me - mostly conservative, Christians and Mormons swarming the place, the ocean is four+ hours away, the climate is unbearably dry, we have a winter, and the gene pool here seems pretty shallow. There are too many rednecks and Jesus freaks harshing my mellow around here. I just want to be left alone, have intelligent conversation when desired and to not fear being found out as an agnostic. I think when you have to live in fear of your beliefs or lack of beliefs, you are in the wrong place.

I need to see new things and try new foods, new sports, new people. Is it possible I have been with the same man for too long? Three years is a record for me and I am starting to forget what it's like experience the new, unfamiliar passion of a first sexual encounter or the rush of adrenaline you get just thinking about your loved one. These things fade and take away the very roots I think I desire. Do I really want to settle down somewhere? Is wanting to breed just something to do to make things "new" and "exciting" again or could I handle it? Do I want to handle it or should I see what I can accomplish without the burden of rearing a child? Or could having children open me up to a whole new world of possibilities I haven't considered?

To take a vacation would be my biggest wish right now. I haven't had a real vacation since October of 2007. Wouldn't it be lovely to get paid to take time off? And yet I know the pain I suffer when I sacrifice a dream for money ...

Leave me here to contemplate all that which is beyond my control.