Thursday, July 30, 2009

Always the Critic

I find it easy to criticize others as well as myself. I also feel bad if I don't have something good to say to balance the bad. There are some people in my life that deserve no good spoken of them, although those numbers are few and I tend to not bother myself with speaking ill of those that are not good enough to lick the dirt off my shoe.

Currently I am troubled by the fact that I have no roots. Whatever roots I may have had were ripped out years ago when I left Massachusetts and since then I've been bouncing from spot to spot. I admit I like bouncing from spot to spot - new experiences, people, and scenery excite me. I dare say they are part of my lifeblood. Blame the Sagittarius Moon, the Pisces Sun, both and/or the gypsy heritage, but staying in one place for too long starts to suffocate me.

I have been in the same town AND the same house for one year and eight months and I feel like I can't BREATHE. I'll never be able to thrust any roots into the ground here as the area will never suit me - mostly conservative, Christians and Mormons swarming the place, the ocean is four+ hours away, the climate is unbearably dry, we have a winter, and the gene pool here seems pretty shallow. There are too many rednecks and Jesus freaks harshing my mellow around here. I just want to be left alone, have intelligent conversation when desired and to not fear being found out as an agnostic. I think when you have to live in fear of your beliefs or lack of beliefs, you are in the wrong place.

I need to see new things and try new foods, new sports, new people. Is it possible I have been with the same man for too long? Three years is a record for me and I am starting to forget what it's like experience the new, unfamiliar passion of a first sexual encounter or the rush of adrenaline you get just thinking about your loved one. These things fade and take away the very roots I think I desire. Do I really want to settle down somewhere? Is wanting to breed just something to do to make things "new" and "exciting" again or could I handle it? Do I want to handle it or should I see what I can accomplish without the burden of rearing a child? Or could having children open me up to a whole new world of possibilities I haven't considered?

To take a vacation would be my biggest wish right now. I haven't had a real vacation since October of 2007. Wouldn't it be lovely to get paid to take time off? And yet I know the pain I suffer when I sacrifice a dream for money ...

Leave me here to contemplate all that which is beyond my control.

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Snap Into a Slim Jim

Is anyone inquiring as to the whereabouts of "Macho Man" Randy Savage during the time of this blast?


2 killed, dozens hurt in NC Slim Jim plant blast

A Slim Jim meat products plant in Garner, N.C.  is pictured after an explosion AP – A Slim Jim meat products plant in Garner, N.C. is pictured after an explosion Tuesday, June 9, 2009. …
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GARNER, N.C. – Two workers died when an explosion tore through a Slim Jim meat products plant in North Carolina Tuesday, punching holes in the building's roof and blowing employees off their feet.

The explosion critically burned four people and one worker was still unaccounted for Tuesday night. More than 40 others were taken to hospitals, including three firefighters who needed medical attention after inhaling ammonia gases that left a distinct scent around the sprawling ConAgra Foods Inc. plant just south of Raleigh.

The blast collapsed an exterior wall, smashing cars parked next to the 500,000-square-foot building.

Authorities could not say where in the plant the blast happened or what caused it, but some of the more 300 workers on duty said it chaos and panic followed.

"I was getting ready to pick up a piece of meat off the line and I felt it — the percussion. And you could feel it in my chest and my ears popped," said worker Chris Woods. "One of the guys I was working with got blown back — his hat flew backwards."

Crews searched for three missing workers through the day. Earlier, authorities said searchers had spotted one person but weren't sure if the worker was alive. One of the bodies found in the rubble was of that person.

Wake County Emergency Medical Services district chief Jeffrey Hammerstein couldn't explain how the second body was discovered. He also said one of the dead was a woman.

Searchers were in part relying on cameras and listening equipment. They were also concerned because the building was unstable, and the bodies were not immediately removed.

Frank McLaurin, a battalion chief with North Carolina Task Force 8 Urban Search-and-Rescue, said search teams crawling through spaces no higher than 30 inches would work until the last person was found. He said ammonia fumes were at acceptable levels but the area was still hazardous.

Janelle Lynch, who has worked at the plant for eight years, said she saw flames and ran. She planned to leave through the cutting department, but the roof started to collapse, so she went in the other direction and escaped through a warehouse.

"I saw a fire and things just started exploding," she said.

ConAgra spokesman Dave Jackson said someone called the plant over the weekend and threatened to start a fire. He said company officials don't believe the threat was connected to the explosion, but Garner Police Sgt. Joe Binns would not say whether police think there is a link.

"I don't want to go in that direction right now," Binns said. "We're focused on the rescue, not the investigation."

Four people were in critical condition at UNC Hospitals with burns covering between 40 percent and 60 percent of their bodies, said Dr. Charles Cairns, professor and chairman of the department of emergency medicine at the University of North Carolina.

"Anything that covers more than 50 percent of the body surface area is a very major burn and can be complex to take care of and can result in major complications, including death," Cairns said. "So these people are very severely burned."

Marilyn Eddinger, a spokeswoman for WakeMed, said its hospital in Raleigh saw 24 patients, with 16 discharged, six admitted and two sent to other hospitals. They were treated for broken bones, bruises and burns consistent with blast injuries. Dozens more were taken to other area hospitals.

The Environmental Protection Agency was on scene to monitor the air but officials said there was no threat to people who live near the plant, which is located between Interstate 40 and a subdivision but mostly surrounded by large buffers of trees.

Crews kept people away from the site as smoke puffed through holes in the damaged roof early in the day.

About 900 people cover four shifts at the plant, one of ConAgra's largest, Jackson said. The ammonia is used to refrigerate meat before it's turned into Slim Jims.

ConAgra spokeswoman Stephanie Childs said the company will continue to pay its Garner employees indefinitely.

The company, which has 25,000 employees worldwide, makes brands like Chef Boyardee, Hunt's tomato sauce, ACT II popcorn and Hebrew National hot dogs.

The plant last was inspected by the North Carolina Department of Labor for workplace safety last July and no violations were found, said Labor Department spokeswoman Dolores Quesenberry. The plant had violations in previous years, including a fine in 2007 for problems with eye and face protection equipment.


Associated Press Writers Mike Baker, Estes Thompson and Martha Waggoner in Raleigh, Barbara Rodriguez in Garner and AP Business Emily Fredrix in Milwaukee contributed to this report.

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Piper 12/5/08 - 6/1/09

It could be true that only the good die young - Piper would have been a fitting example in the canine world.

For me it's akin to losing a child - and since I haven't any of my own, it's the closest I've gotten.

I'm so sorry I couldn't do anything more to help you grow up to be an adult and live a long life, Piper. You will always be special to me.

Sunday, April 26, 2009

Delineated Paralegals

I never want to see people swing dancing to Judas Priest ever again.

What is something you'd like never to see again?

Friday, April 24, 2009

It's about Time

Someone should re-write the Bible. Anyone want to collaborate?

(I think Part Three is the best of what I have in my archives).

How do you get your dog to stop eating the Ottoman Empire?

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Bible Re-write Part One: Styx (something I did over ten years ago - unedited)

In the beginning ...

... there was nothing. And nothing there was. Canst thou imagine nothing? It is as impossible as riding a horse with one leg. Yet, something beganst from nothing. And so the story begins ...

This is the book of Styx.

The Sky was created on the first day, and the Clouds formed as though nothing before them had ever formed (what coincidence) and they travelled among the sky, making shapes and forms that were used to create everything else from the first day on ...

On this first day, there was also a Sun, and Grass, and together the Sky, Sun, and Grass worked in tandem to make more Grass grow, and to make more Clouds form, and to make the Sun hotter, and this was good. The Creator was so pleased, that It decided to rename the Grass "Earth", and the name of the Grass was then Earth.

On the second day, The Creator made an Ocean, filled with little grains of Salt, often used to enhance the flavor of The Creator's food. When the economy-sized container of salt fell from Its' table, the Ocean was then filled with the millions of grains of Salt. The Creator looked down, cursed silently, and then declared, "Let it be so!" And it was.

It also created the Moon, which would change shapes as the days passed, to keep track of such things as business appointments and massages. And lastly, It created fire, which burned all of the lovely shrubberies and trees that were produced the first day, and since Rain was not yet invented, it ran rampant throughout the land and It had to start all over again, using the next two days to re-create It's world in the proper order to ensure longevity.

So, we shall now skip to the fifth day, where Rain was now invented and was set to fall every seven Moon changes. Fire was used sparingly.

The Creator proceeded to invent the first animal: Seagulls. And the Seagulls were good. It found them to be very noisy, and often these Seagulls got into The Creator's trash and he had to "Shoo" them away, as It called it. The Creator, deciding he could improve this creation, proceeded to make Lions, Tigers, and Bears. These creatures were more fierce, and minded their own business. On this day, over 100 animals were made, and they rejoiced at their creation in a series of grunts, howls, screeches, and chirps. And It was good.

On the Sixth Day, pastry treats were made and scattered about the land in a haphazardly fashion. These pastry treats included: Muffins, Scones, Donuts, Canolis, Creme Puffs, Tarts, and Danish. Although seemingly unthinking and unfeeling, these Treats were able to think for themselves and were secretly devising a malicious plan for a mutiny. They would strike on the 10th day, when the Sun was halfway through the sky. They would show the Creator that they were more than just tasty delicacies that It could eat at its' whims and fancies.

On the Seventh Day, Nuts and Berries were made for the various herbivoric animals, and they all sighed in animalistic relief. The Creator sat back, enjoyed Its' latte, and longed for Love and Companionship. And It was sad.

On the Eight Day, The Creator made another It like Itself. They laughed, they cried, they danced, and frolicked among the fields of Grass, and It was good.

On the Ninth Day, It decided It must gettith his asseth in gear. In the course of this one Day, It created: Apples, Aardvarks, Asparagus, Balloons, Bananas, Cars, Christmas, Divans, Divas, Elephants, French Fries, Giraffes, Harvest Gold Toilets, Iodine, Jacko'lanterns, Kibbles and Bits, Linen, Marigolds, Nirvana, Opium, Pot, Queludes, Rufies, Speed, Testicles, Underwear, Venerial Disease, Wet Dreams, Xylophones, Yellow Fever, and Zigga-Zag-Ha.

And all during this, the Treats had put closure on their elaborate plans to take over the world with a Wet Dream and Rufies. And The Creator was in trouble.

On the Tenth Day, The Creator did not awake until the Sun was three-quarters through the sky and the Moon was peeking out from its' blinding heat. Whenst It did awake, It was tied up with Rope, something the Treats had created themselves, and It was lying in a puddle of its' own fluids.

"What hast thou doneth to me?" It asked of the Treats in It's booming voice.

The leader of the Treats, a Blueberry Muffin, emerged from within the crowd and declared, "We have taken you hostage, oh great Creator, and you will do as we say."

Just then, a crash was heard and the Treats scattered to the Four Winds (created on the Third Day as a fluke). Suddenly, The Mighty Walnut came crashing down, flattening all the Treats and the Creator, as well. It was from this day that The Mighty Walnut began to rule the lands. The Mighty Walnut banished many items the Creator had created, such as: Opium, Wet Dreams, Xylophones, and Divas. These were to be re-invented later, by Its' lesser creations.

And The Mighty Walnut decided to make "Genders", and have two types on Its' land. These would be "Male" and "Female", and It decided to be Male, and therefore be referred to as "He," and it was good.

Note: Later found in the Dead Dog Scrolls, The Mighty Walnut was actually one of the many creations that did not meet The Creator's 99 percent standard of quality. This Walnut came out so big, that nobody could crack it and it was therefore useless. However, The Walnut was also created much like the Creator Itself! Yes, the first nuts were made as living creatures, until it was realized that they were better made as tasty treats filled with protein than a living, breathing creature. And so, The Mighty Walnut got His revenge on His Creator, and the world rejoiced into the light upon His arrival, and no living thing has been able to transpire a plan to overtake this clever nut.

Bible Re-Write Part Two: Genisex

The Dawn of a New Age

And so, The Mighty Walnut surveyed his land and thought it would be good to make two people of each gender. And so, Alouicious and Francene were made and He placed them in the Valley of Ramming. There they engaged in endless anal sex until the Moon fell, when they dined on roasted Yack and Apples. The Mighty Walnut warned them to not use the "other" hole for pleasure - this would only cause problems, grave problems that would stop them from having this pleasure for the rest of their lives. They nodded and vowed to obey, and all was good.

The Mighty Walnut decided that it would be a good idea to invent Time. And so he divided the day into 24 increments called "hours", measured by the path of the Sun. He made Clocks, and they ran by the power of the Sun light. Every animal had one, and the two People shared one. This is when The Might Walnut realized that Sharing was something he would have to invent, as they seemed relatively inept at this seemingly simple task.

And so, Sharing was introduced to the Land, and it took many a day for the living folk to fully comprehend this process. Some of them were very adept at it, while others had problem enough that they would KILL other living things so they would not HAVE to share! Disgruntled, the Mighty Walnut decided to invent Lightning and Thunder, and ravaged the land with a storm for 40 days and 40 nights. Only one animal of each Gender was preserved by one of the smarter of the Treats, a Cheese Danish. He built an arc so vast and mighty that nothing could penetrate the sturdy wood structure.

The Cheese Danish, whose name was Larry, navigated this arc for these treacherous 40 days and nights, until at the very last hour he found himself at the top of a Mountain, something that was formed due to the heavy Rain and Storm. It was here that the Sun came out and warmed the faces of he and the other animals, and he saw something flying towards him from high up in the sky.

It was an ACME Piano, freshly invented by The Mighty Walnut. It fell square onto Larry's face, and he was instantly crushed to death. When the animals looked unto him with wonder, The Mighty Walnut explained that Larry was experiencing Pride and Arrogance inside, and he would have no one who thought so highly of themselves on this Land. Surely no one could think as highly of themselves as He.

Meanwhile, back at the Ranch, Alouicious and Francene thought that their Mighty Walnut had forsaken them and decided to try the "other hole", as the one normally used was growing red and inflamed.

At the end of the forty days, they discovered that Francene had not bled her Moon cycle, and her Hips and Stomach had gotten a bit bigger. She was also expelling food she had eaten not hours before out of her mouth, and always complaining that she did not want to engage in the "hole activity" again.

And lo, the Sky opened and The Mighty Walnut appeared, and he spake unto the two sinners:

"You have gone against my orders and used the "other" hole. Why hast thou done this?"

Alouicious looked up at The Mighty Walnut's face in shame, and said, "We thought you had forsaken us! Where didst thou go for 40 days and 40 nights when we were ravaged with rain?"

The Mighty Walnut struck Alouicious with a tiny bolt of Thunder in retort. "Capitalize Rain when you say that to me, boy!" He boomed at them. "How could you think I had forsaken you? And YOU, Francene, what do YOU have to say about this?

"The other hole felt better!" she spat out at him, narrowing her eyes in anger. "You were denying us pleasure! You have no right to stop us from enjoying ourselves in our Valley of Ramming!"

The Mighty Walnut, instead of reacting out of anger, looked at them calmly and stated, "Then thoust shall see what thou have reaped," and disappeared as the clouds enshrouded his face.

And so, after what The Mighty Walnut had invented as "nine months", Francene's stomach had grown so large she was sure it would burst. Finally, she went through a full day's worth of pain and bleeding until a tiny creature, much like a smaller version of them, came out of the "other" hole.

"I shall name her - Pauline!" the new Mother cried out, and after a full year Pauline's growth was tremendous. When Francene had finally begun to fell better and stronger again, she realized the wonder of this creature she and Alouicious had produced. She asked him if they could have fun with the "other" hole again.

"My Francene," he answered, taking her hands in his. "I have gone through everything with you and our little Pauline for a year now. I have seen the tremendous changes in your body, and how well you handled the pain and agony. I have seen the ravages done to your body, and how well you recovered. You are truly a strong woman.

"However, not everything has mended back to the way it was. The Mighty Walnut was right. I don't want to engage in anything with that "other" hole again."

At this comment, Francene thus stood up, and with tears in her eyes, took Alouicious' throat in her hands and squeezed and squeezed with all her might until he stopped struggling, and then stopped breathing.

The Mighty Walnut heaved a great sigh, and thus realized that he needed to create another Man, or else these would be the only two people on his Land, and they would both be Female. This could not happen, so he thus created another Man - the last Person he was allowed to create ever. He had used all his power. If this Man did not live and love this woman, his Earth would surely not prosper.

Note: This Man's name was Curtis, and he and the woman lived to have seventeen more children, who all engaged in "other" hole activity with each other. Some of them created people that did not look quite right - some came out without arms, or with odd, droopy eyes. Others did not live, or lived to be very frail individuals. However, during the course of a hundred years, there were over 100 People in this land, and The Mighty Walnut was happy. This is also when the invention of the House came in handy, and so he introduced this to His People, and they rejoiced.