Thursday, April 23, 2009

Bible Re-Write Part Two: Genisex

The Dawn of a New Age

And so, The Mighty Walnut surveyed his land and thought it would be good to make two people of each gender. And so, Alouicious and Francene were made and He placed them in the Valley of Ramming. There they engaged in endless anal sex until the Moon fell, when they dined on roasted Yack and Apples. The Mighty Walnut warned them to not use the "other" hole for pleasure - this would only cause problems, grave problems that would stop them from having this pleasure for the rest of their lives. They nodded and vowed to obey, and all was good.

The Mighty Walnut decided that it would be a good idea to invent Time. And so he divided the day into 24 increments called "hours", measured by the path of the Sun. He made Clocks, and they ran by the power of the Sun light. Every animal had one, and the two People shared one. This is when The Might Walnut realized that Sharing was something he would have to invent, as they seemed relatively inept at this seemingly simple task.

And so, Sharing was introduced to the Land, and it took many a day for the living folk to fully comprehend this process. Some of them were very adept at it, while others had problem enough that they would KILL other living things so they would not HAVE to share! Disgruntled, the Mighty Walnut decided to invent Lightning and Thunder, and ravaged the land with a storm for 40 days and 40 nights. Only one animal of each Gender was preserved by one of the smarter of the Treats, a Cheese Danish. He built an arc so vast and mighty that nothing could penetrate the sturdy wood structure.

The Cheese Danish, whose name was Larry, navigated this arc for these treacherous 40 days and nights, until at the very last hour he found himself at the top of a Mountain, something that was formed due to the heavy Rain and Storm. It was here that the Sun came out and warmed the faces of he and the other animals, and he saw something flying towards him from high up in the sky.

It was an ACME Piano, freshly invented by The Mighty Walnut. It fell square onto Larry's face, and he was instantly crushed to death. When the animals looked unto him with wonder, The Mighty Walnut explained that Larry was experiencing Pride and Arrogance inside, and he would have no one who thought so highly of themselves on this Land. Surely no one could think as highly of themselves as He.

Meanwhile, back at the Ranch, Alouicious and Francene thought that their Mighty Walnut had forsaken them and decided to try the "other hole", as the one normally used was growing red and inflamed.

At the end of the forty days, they discovered that Francene had not bled her Moon cycle, and her Hips and Stomach had gotten a bit bigger. She was also expelling food she had eaten not hours before out of her mouth, and always complaining that she did not want to engage in the "hole activity" again.

And lo, the Sky opened and The Mighty Walnut appeared, and he spake unto the two sinners:

"You have gone against my orders and used the "other" hole. Why hast thou done this?"

Alouicious looked up at The Mighty Walnut's face in shame, and said, "We thought you had forsaken us! Where didst thou go for 40 days and 40 nights when we were ravaged with rain?"

The Mighty Walnut struck Alouicious with a tiny bolt of Thunder in retort. "Capitalize Rain when you say that to me, boy!" He boomed at them. "How could you think I had forsaken you? And YOU, Francene, what do YOU have to say about this?

"The other hole felt better!" she spat out at him, narrowing her eyes in anger. "You were denying us pleasure! You have no right to stop us from enjoying ourselves in our Valley of Ramming!"

The Mighty Walnut, instead of reacting out of anger, looked at them calmly and stated, "Then thoust shall see what thou have reaped," and disappeared as the clouds enshrouded his face.

And so, after what The Mighty Walnut had invented as "nine months", Francene's stomach had grown so large she was sure it would burst. Finally, she went through a full day's worth of pain and bleeding until a tiny creature, much like a smaller version of them, came out of the "other" hole.

"I shall name her - Pauline!" the new Mother cried out, and after a full year Pauline's growth was tremendous. When Francene had finally begun to fell better and stronger again, she realized the wonder of this creature she and Alouicious had produced. She asked him if they could have fun with the "other" hole again.

"My Francene," he answered, taking her hands in his. "I have gone through everything with you and our little Pauline for a year now. I have seen the tremendous changes in your body, and how well you handled the pain and agony. I have seen the ravages done to your body, and how well you recovered. You are truly a strong woman.

"However, not everything has mended back to the way it was. The Mighty Walnut was right. I don't want to engage in anything with that "other" hole again."

At this comment, Francene thus stood up, and with tears in her eyes, took Alouicious' throat in her hands and squeezed and squeezed with all her might until he stopped struggling, and then stopped breathing.

The Mighty Walnut heaved a great sigh, and thus realized that he needed to create another Man, or else these would be the only two people on his Land, and they would both be Female. This could not happen, so he thus created another Man - the last Person he was allowed to create ever. He had used all his power. If this Man did not live and love this woman, his Earth would surely not prosper.

Note: This Man's name was Curtis, and he and the woman lived to have seventeen more children, who all engaged in "other" hole activity with each other. Some of them created people that did not look quite right - some came out without arms, or with odd, droopy eyes. Others did not live, or lived to be very frail individuals. However, during the course of a hundred years, there were over 100 People in this land, and The Mighty Walnut was happy. This is also when the invention of the House came in handy, and so he introduced this to His People, and they rejoiced.

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