Thursday, April 23, 2009

Bible Re-write Part One: Styx (something I did over ten years ago - unedited)

In the beginning ...

... there was nothing. And nothing there was. Canst thou imagine nothing? It is as impossible as riding a horse with one leg. Yet, something beganst from nothing. And so the story begins ...

This is the book of Styx.

The Sky was created on the first day, and the Clouds formed as though nothing before them had ever formed (what coincidence) and they travelled among the sky, making shapes and forms that were used to create everything else from the first day on ...

On this first day, there was also a Sun, and Grass, and together the Sky, Sun, and Grass worked in tandem to make more Grass grow, and to make more Clouds form, and to make the Sun hotter, and this was good. The Creator was so pleased, that It decided to rename the Grass "Earth", and the name of the Grass was then Earth.

On the second day, The Creator made an Ocean, filled with little grains of Salt, often used to enhance the flavor of The Creator's food. When the economy-sized container of salt fell from Its' table, the Ocean was then filled with the millions of grains of Salt. The Creator looked down, cursed silently, and then declared, "Let it be so!" And it was.

It also created the Moon, which would change shapes as the days passed, to keep track of such things as business appointments and massages. And lastly, It created fire, which burned all of the lovely shrubberies and trees that were produced the first day, and since Rain was not yet invented, it ran rampant throughout the land and It had to start all over again, using the next two days to re-create It's world in the proper order to ensure longevity.

So, we shall now skip to the fifth day, where Rain was now invented and was set to fall every seven Moon changes. Fire was used sparingly.

The Creator proceeded to invent the first animal: Seagulls. And the Seagulls were good. It found them to be very noisy, and often these Seagulls got into The Creator's trash and he had to "Shoo" them away, as It called it. The Creator, deciding he could improve this creation, proceeded to make Lions, Tigers, and Bears. These creatures were more fierce, and minded their own business. On this day, over 100 animals were made, and they rejoiced at their creation in a series of grunts, howls, screeches, and chirps. And It was good.

On the Sixth Day, pastry treats were made and scattered about the land in a haphazardly fashion. These pastry treats included: Muffins, Scones, Donuts, Canolis, Creme Puffs, Tarts, and Danish. Although seemingly unthinking and unfeeling, these Treats were able to think for themselves and were secretly devising a malicious plan for a mutiny. They would strike on the 10th day, when the Sun was halfway through the sky. They would show the Creator that they were more than just tasty delicacies that It could eat at its' whims and fancies.

On the Seventh Day, Nuts and Berries were made for the various herbivoric animals, and they all sighed in animalistic relief. The Creator sat back, enjoyed Its' latte, and longed for Love and Companionship. And It was sad.

On the Eight Day, The Creator made another It like Itself. They laughed, they cried, they danced, and frolicked among the fields of Grass, and It was good.

On the Ninth Day, It decided It must gettith his asseth in gear. In the course of this one Day, It created: Apples, Aardvarks, Asparagus, Balloons, Bananas, Cars, Christmas, Divans, Divas, Elephants, French Fries, Giraffes, Harvest Gold Toilets, Iodine, Jacko'lanterns, Kibbles and Bits, Linen, Marigolds, Nirvana, Opium, Pot, Queludes, Rufies, Speed, Testicles, Underwear, Venerial Disease, Wet Dreams, Xylophones, Yellow Fever, and Zigga-Zag-Ha.

And all during this, the Treats had put closure on their elaborate plans to take over the world with a Wet Dream and Rufies. And The Creator was in trouble.

On the Tenth Day, The Creator did not awake until the Sun was three-quarters through the sky and the Moon was peeking out from its' blinding heat. Whenst It did awake, It was tied up with Rope, something the Treats had created themselves, and It was lying in a puddle of its' own fluids.

"What hast thou doneth to me?" It asked of the Treats in It's booming voice.

The leader of the Treats, a Blueberry Muffin, emerged from within the crowd and declared, "We have taken you hostage, oh great Creator, and you will do as we say."

Just then, a crash was heard and the Treats scattered to the Four Winds (created on the Third Day as a fluke). Suddenly, The Mighty Walnut came crashing down, flattening all the Treats and the Creator, as well. It was from this day that The Mighty Walnut began to rule the lands. The Mighty Walnut banished many items the Creator had created, such as: Opium, Wet Dreams, Xylophones, and Divas. These were to be re-invented later, by Its' lesser creations.

And The Mighty Walnut decided to make "Genders", and have two types on Its' land. These would be "Male" and "Female", and It decided to be Male, and therefore be referred to as "He," and it was good.

Note: Later found in the Dead Dog Scrolls, The Mighty Walnut was actually one of the many creations that did not meet The Creator's 99 percent standard of quality. This Walnut came out so big, that nobody could crack it and it was therefore useless. However, The Walnut was also created much like the Creator Itself! Yes, the first nuts were made as living creatures, until it was realized that they were better made as tasty treats filled with protein than a living, breathing creature. And so, The Mighty Walnut got His revenge on His Creator, and the world rejoiced into the light upon His arrival, and no living thing has been able to transpire a plan to overtake this clever nut.

1 comment:

  1. Oh this is funny!!!

    Seagulls are really rats with wings. They drive me absolutely crazy!!!!

    Nice writing!!!