Thursday, April 23, 2009

Bible Re-Write Part Three: Hexodus

And lo, The Mighty Walnut came upon a woman so fair and so strong. He cleaned up; there was much rejoicing. He also made sure she was to have a son. One day, he would lead people to freedom and manna would fall from the sky, and all would be good.

A baby would flow down the river ... the daughter of the Pharaoh would find him ... he would be named: Hoses.

From an early age, Hoses was a kind boy with a strong sense of leadership. He was often picked captain of his Kickball teams and his "father" was always proud of his strong, man-like stature and voice.

One day, he lost his temper and disemboweled an Egyptian because he called all Jews "dreidel-making manna-pinchers". Hoses was forced to run away from his land. However, The Mighty Walnut spoke to Hoses through a burning Yak, and the Yak spoke unto Hoses:

"Hoses, you must go back to your land and save the Jews. Without Jews, we will never have Kosher Delis, and Matzo Bread, and - ARGH this fire hurts!" As the Yak fell to his death, Hoses was filled with a new sense of determination. He WOULD save his Jewish people!

When Hoses brazenly asked the Pharaoh to free the Jews, the Pharaoh articulately replied, "Then who in the Nine Hells is going to build all of my huge freakin' Pyramids???" Hoses then warned him that ten plagues would ravage the land for this, and the Pharaoh pointed and laughed at Hoses and ordered him out with a tightly-fitting white coat.

It was then that the ten plagues hit: First, everyone's muffins went stale. Then, millions of frogs came out of the waters and started dancing and singing all over the place! One of the worst ones was when the river turned into fruit punch, and Egyptians everywhere were forced to bath in the sticky sweet substance, but the Jews certainly enjoyed the refreshing beverage after hours of working on the Pyramids.

The last plague, however, killed the eldest son of all the Egyptians - this, of course, killed the Pharaoh's son! Finally, he said the Jews could leave.

However, the Pharaoh was much like a woman - he had a tendency to change his mind after making decisions. He sent his army after the Jews, who had left in a haste.

Finally, Hoses and the Jews came to the Red Sea, where the Fruit Punch plague still ravaged the water - they were trapped, until The Mighty Walnut emerged from the clouds above and spoke unto Hoses:

"Lo, it is I, The Mighty Walnut. If thou lifteth thine rod, this Sea of Fruit Punch shall part and thine shall pass without fear of being caught.

And so, Hoses parted this sea of punch, picking up a few gallons for the road. They crossed safely, and the Jews were free! As for the Egyptians, they drowned in a sea of delicious fruit beverage.

The Jews were fed Manna from The Mighty Walnut, and all was good. Hoses struck a walk and out of it came water! It completely invalidated the saying "You can't draw water from a stone." Finally, the Jews made it to Mt. Analsex. Hoses was called upon the mountain so The Mighty Walnut could give him 9 laws for His people to live by:

  • Thou shalt not kill.
  • Thou shalt not masturbate.
  • Thou shalt not burn thine muffins whenst thou baketh.
  • Thou shalt not use "the other hole" until thou hast vowed to the Ball and Chain.
  • Thou shalt not wear pants that are worn below thine waist and that draggeth onto the ground and that could fit up to 5 people in them at once.
  • Thou shalt not use any other paper towel but Bounty: The Quicker-Picker-Upper.
  • Thous shalt not drink Orange Juice after thine brusheth thine teeth.
  • Thou shalt not eat any other Nut before Me.
  • Thou shalt not lie.
  • Thou shalt not inventeth Capri Pants.
  • I lied; there's 10.
  • Meanwhile, at the bottom of the mountain, the Jews had decided to do the unthinkable - they started worshipping - the Golden Peanut! This plebeian of all nuts was now revered on a pedestal, and all the Jews were laughing, and dancing, and using the "other hole" in various scattered tents, and were BURNING THE MUFFINS THEY BAKED!!! When Hoses came down to see this, he crashed the tablets where the Laws were written right onto the Golden Peanut.

    After many apologies and hugs, Hoses forgave them and they lived happily ever after, until over three thousand years later where they were put in concentration camps and often wished they HAD been wiped out and that Hoses had never been born ...

    Note: It has been studied for some time that Hoses was actually the first Biblical Homosexual. Observe the picture here, found in the early 1800's on a shroud in Egypt. There is much speculation that this is where the quote from the book of Toto comes from "Would Hoses take this piece of bread up his anus? Indeed, but only in the name of Love!"

    1 comment:

    1. This story sounds vaguely familiar to me, but I can’t quite put my finger on it.