Bible Re-write Part One: Styx (something I did over ten years ago - unedited)

In the beginning ...

... there was nothing. And nothing there was. Canst thou imagine nothing? It is as impossible as riding a horse with one leg. Yet, something beganst from nothing. And so the story begins ...

This is the book of Styx.

The Sky was created on the first day, and the Clouds formed as though nothing before them had ever formed (what coincidence) and they travelled among the sky, making shapes and forms that were used to create everything else from the first day on ...

On this first day, there was also a Sun, and Grass, and together the Sky, Sun, and Grass worked in tandem to make more Grass grow, and to make more Clouds form, and to make the Sun hotter, and this was good. The Creator was so pleased, that It decided to rename the Grass "Earth", and the name of the Grass was then Earth.

On the second day, The Creator made an Ocean, filled with little grains of Salt, often used to enhance the flavor of The Creator's food. When the economy-sized container of salt fell from Its' table, the Ocean was then filled with the millions of grains of Salt. The Creator looked down, cursed silently, and then declared, "Let it be so!" And it was.

It also created the Moon, which would change shapes as the days passed, to keep track of such things as business appointments and massages. And lastly, It created fire, which burned all of the lovely shrubberies and trees that were produced the first day, and since Rain was not yet invented, it ran rampant throughout the land and It had to start all over again, using the next two days to re-create It's world in the proper order to ensure longevity.

So, we shall now skip to the fifth day, where Rain was now invented and was set to fall every seven Moon changes. Fire was used sparingly.

The Creator proceeded to invent the first animal: Seagulls. And the Seagulls were good. It found them to be very noisy, and often these Seagulls got into The Creator's trash and he had to "Shoo" them away, as It called it. The Creator, deciding he could improve this creation, proceeded to make Lions, Tigers, and Bears. These creatures were more fierce, and minded their own business. On this day, over 100 animals were made, and they rejoiced at their creation in a series of grunts, howls, screeches, and chirps. And It was good.

On the Sixth Day, pastry treats were made and scattered about the land in a haphazardly fashion. These pastry treats included: Muffins, Scones, Donuts, Canolis, Creme Puffs, Tarts, and Danish. Although seemingly unthinking and unfeeling, these Treats were able to think for themselves and were secretly devising a malicious plan for a mutiny. They would strike on the 10th day, when the Sun was halfway through the sky. They would show the Creator that they were more than just tasty delicacies that It could eat at its' whims and fancies.

On the Seventh Day, Nuts and Berries were made for the various herbivoric animals, and they all sighed in animalistic relief. The Creator sat back, enjoyed Its' latte, and longed for Love and Companionship. And It was sad.

On the Eight Day, The Creator made another It like Itself. They laughed, they cried, they danced, and frolicked among the fields of Grass, and It was good.

On the Ninth Day, It decided It must gettith his asseth in gear. In the course of this one Day, It created: Apples, Aardvarks, Asparagus, Balloons, Bananas, Cars, Christmas, Divans, Divas, Elephants, French Fries, Giraffes, Harvest Gold Toilets, Iodine, Jacko'lanterns, Kibbles and Bits, Linen, Marigolds, Nirvana, Opium, Pot, Queludes, Rufies, Speed, Testicles, Underwear, Venerial Disease, Wet Dreams, Xylophones, Yellow Fever, and Zigga-Zag-Ha.

And all during this, the Treats had put closure on their elaborate plans to take over the world with a Wet Dream and Rufies. And The Creator was in trouble.

On the Tenth Day, The Creator did not awake until the Sun was three-quarters through the sky and the Moon was peeking out from its' blinding heat. Whenst It did awake, It was tied up with Rope, something the Treats had created themselves, and It was lying in a puddle of its' own fluids.

"What hast thou doneth to me?" It asked of the Treats in It's booming voice.

The leader of the Treats, a Blueberry Muffin, emerged from within the crowd and declared, "We have taken you hostage, oh great Creator, and you will do as we say."

Just then, a crash was heard and the Treats scattered to the Four Winds (created on the Third Day as a fluke). Suddenly, The Mighty Walnut came crashing down, flattening all the Treats and the Creator, as well. It was from this day that The Mighty Walnut began to rule the lands. The Mighty Walnut banished many items the Creator had created, such as: Opium, Wet Dreams, Xylophones, and Divas. These were to be re-invented later, by Its' lesser creations.

And The Mighty Walnut decided to make "Genders", and have two types on Its' land. These would be "Male" and "Female", and It decided to be Male, and therefore be referred to as "He," and it was good.

Note: Later found in the Dead Dog Scrolls, The Mighty Walnut was actually one of the many creations that did not meet The Creator's 99 percent standard of quality. This Walnut came out so big, that nobody could crack it and it was therefore useless. However, The Walnut was also created much like the Creator Itself! Yes, the first nuts were made as living creatures, until it was realized that they were better made as tasty treats filled with protein than a living, breathing creature. And so, The Mighty Walnut got His revenge on His Creator, and the world rejoiced into the light upon His arrival, and no living thing has been able to transpire a plan to overtake this clever nut.

Bible Re-Write Part Two: Genisex

The Dawn of a New Age

And so, The Mighty Walnut surveyed his land and thought it would be good to make two people of each gender. And so, Alouicious and Francene were made and He placed them in the Valley of Ramming. There they engaged in endless anal sex until the Moon fell, when they dined on roasted Yack and Apples. The Mighty Walnut warned them to not use the "other" hole for pleasure - this would only cause problems, grave problems that would stop them from having this pleasure for the rest of their lives. They nodded and vowed to obey, and all was good.

The Mighty Walnut decided that it would be a good idea to invent Time. And so he divided the day into 24 increments called "hours", measured by the path of the Sun. He made Clocks, and they ran by the power of the Sun light. Every animal had one, and the two People shared one. This is when The Might Walnut realized that Sharing was something he would have to invent, as they seemed relatively inept at this seemingly simple task.

And so, Sharing was introduced to the Land, and it took many a day for the living folk to fully comprehend this process. Some of them were very adept at it, while others had problem enough that they would KILL other living things so they would not HAVE to share! Disgruntled, the Mighty Walnut decided to invent Lightning and Thunder, and ravaged the land with a storm for 40 days and 40 nights. Only one animal of each Gender was preserved by one of the smarter of the Treats, a Cheese Danish. He built an arc so vast and mighty that nothing could penetrate the sturdy wood structure.

The Cheese Danish, whose name was Larry, navigated this arc for these treacherous 40 days and nights, until at the very last hour he found himself at the top of a Mountain, something that was formed due to the heavy Rain and Storm. It was here that the Sun came out and warmed the faces of he and the other animals, and he saw something flying towards him from high up in the sky.

It was an ACME Piano, freshly invented by The Mighty Walnut. It fell square onto Larry's face, and he was instantly crushed to death. When the animals looked unto him with wonder, The Mighty Walnut explained that Larry was experiencing Pride and Arrogance inside, and he would have no one who thought so highly of themselves on this Land. Surely no one could think as highly of themselves as He.

Meanwhile, back at the Ranch, Alouicious and Francene thought that their Mighty Walnut had forsaken them and decided to try the "other hole", as the one normally used was growing red and inflamed.

At the end of the forty days, they discovered that Francene had not bled her Moon cycle, and her Hips and Stomach had gotten a bit bigger. She was also expelling food she had eaten not hours before out of her mouth, and always complaining that she did not want to engage in the "hole activity" again.

And lo, the Sky opened and The Mighty Walnut appeared, and he spake unto the two sinners:

"You have gone against my orders and used the "other" hole. Why hast thou done this?"

Alouicious looked up at The Mighty Walnut's face in shame, and said, "We thought you had forsaken us! Where didst thou go for 40 days and 40 nights when we were ravaged with rain?"

The Mighty Walnut struck Alouicious with a tiny bolt of Thunder in retort. "Capitalize Rain when you say that to me, boy!" He boomed at them. "How could you think I had forsaken you? And YOU, Francene, what do YOU have to say about this?

"The other hole felt better!" she spat out at him, narrowing her eyes in anger. "You were denying us pleasure! You have no right to stop us from enjoying ourselves in our Valley of Ramming!"

The Mighty Walnut, instead of reacting out of anger, looked at them calmly and stated, "Then thoust shall see what thou have reaped," and disappeared as the clouds enshrouded his face.

And so, after what The Mighty Walnut had invented as "nine months", Francene's stomach had grown so large she was sure it would burst. Finally, she went through a full day's worth of pain and bleeding until a tiny creature, much like a smaller version of them, came out of the "other" hole.

"I shall name her - Pauline!" the new Mother cried out, and after a full year Pauline's growth was tremendous. When Francene had finally begun to fell better and stronger again, she realized the wonder of this creature she and Alouicious had produced. She asked him if they could have fun with the "other" hole again.

"My Francene," he answered, taking her hands in his. "I have gone through everything with you and our little Pauline for a year now. I have seen the tremendous changes in your body, and how well you handled the pain and agony. I have seen the ravages done to your body, and how well you recovered. You are truly a strong woman.

"However, not everything has mended back to the way it was. The Mighty Walnut was right. I don't want to engage in anything with that "other" hole again."

At this comment, Francene thus stood up, and with tears in her eyes, took Alouicious' throat in her hands and squeezed and squeezed with all her might until he stopped struggling, and then stopped breathing.

The Mighty Walnut heaved a great sigh, and thus realized that he needed to create another Man, or else these would be the only two people on his Land, and they would both be Female. This could not happen, so he thus created another Man - the last Person he was allowed to create ever. He had used all his power. If this Man did not live and love this woman, his Earth would surely not prosper.

Note: This Man's name was Curtis, and he and the woman lived to have seventeen more children, who all engaged in "other" hole activity with each other. Some of them created people that did not look quite right - some came out without arms, or with odd, droopy eyes. Others did not live, or lived to be very frail individuals. However, during the course of a hundred years, there were over 100 People in this land, and The Mighty Walnut was happy. This is also when the invention of the House came in handy, and so he introduced this to His People, and they rejoiced.

Bible Re-Write Part Three: Hexodus

And lo, The Mighty Walnut came upon a woman so fair and so strong. He cleaned up; there was much rejoicing. He also made sure she was to have a son. One day, he would lead people to freedom and manna would fall from the sky, and all would be good.

A baby would flow down the river ... the daughter of the Pharaoh would find him ... he would be named: Hoses.

From an early age, Hoses was a kind boy with a strong sense of leadership. He was often picked captain of his Kickball teams and his "father" was always proud of his strong, man-like stature and voice.

One day, he lost his temper and disemboweled an Egyptian because he called all Jews "dreidel-making manna-pinchers". Hoses was forced to run away from his land. However, The Mighty Walnut spoke to Hoses through a burning Yak, and the Yak spoke unto Hoses:

"Hoses, you must go back to your land and save the Jews. Without Jews, we will never have Kosher Delis, and Matzo Bread, and - ARGH this fire hurts!" As the Yak fell to his death, Hoses was filled with a new sense of determination. He WOULD save his Jewish people!

When Hoses brazenly asked the Pharaoh to free the Jews, the Pharaoh articulately replied, "Then who in the Nine Hells is going to build all of my huge freakin' Pyramids???" Hoses then warned him that ten plagues would ravage the land for this, and the Pharaoh pointed and laughed at Hoses and ordered him out with a tightly-fitting white coat.

It was then that the ten plagues hit: First, everyone's muffins went stale. Then, millions of frogs came out of the waters and started dancing and singing all over the place! One of the worst ones was when the river turned into fruit punch, and Egyptians everywhere were forced to bath in the sticky sweet substance, but the Jews certainly enjoyed the refreshing beverage after hours of working on the Pyramids.

The last plague, however, killed the eldest son of all the Egyptians - this, of course, killed the Pharaoh's son! Finally, he said the Jews could leave.

However, the Pharaoh was much like a woman - he had a tendency to change his mind after making decisions. He sent his army after the Jews, who had left in a haste.

Finally, Hoses and the Jews came to the Red Sea, where the Fruit Punch plague still ravaged the water - they were trapped, until The Mighty Walnut emerged from the clouds above and spoke unto Hoses:

"Lo, it is I, The Mighty Walnut. If thou lifteth thine rod, this Sea of Fruit Punch shall part and thine shall pass without fear of being caught.

And so, Hoses parted this sea of punch, picking up a few gallons for the road. They crossed safely, and the Jews were free! As for the Egyptians, they drowned in a sea of delicious fruit beverage.

The Jews were fed Manna from The Mighty Walnut, and all was good. Hoses struck a walk and out of it came water! It completely invalidated the saying "You can't draw water from a stone." Finally, the Jews made it to Mt. Analsex. Hoses was called upon the mountain so The Mighty Walnut could give him 9 laws for His people to live by:

Thou shalt not kill.

Thou shalt not masturbate.

Thou shalt not burn thine muffins whenst thou baketh.

Thou shalt not use "the other hole" until thou hast vowed to the Ball and Chain.

Thou shalt not wear pants that are worn below thine waist and that draggeth onto the ground and that could fit up to 5 people in them at once.

Thou shalt not use any other paper towel but Bounty: The Quicker-Picker-Upper.

Thous shalt not drink Orange Juice after thine brusheth thine teeth.

Thou shalt not eat any other Nut before Me.

Thou shalt not lie.

Thou shalt not inventeth Capri Pants.

I lied; there's 10.

Meanwhile, at the bottom of the mountain, the Jews had decided to do the unthinkable - they started worshipping - the Golden Peanut! This plebeian of all nuts was now revered on a pedestal, and all the Jews were laughing, and dancing, and using the "other hole" in various scattered tents, and were BURNING THE MUFFINS THEY BAKED!!! When Hoses came down to see this, he crashed the tablets where the Laws were written right onto the Golden Peanut.

After many apologies and hugs, Hoses forgave them and they lived happily ever after, until over three thousand years later where they were put in concentration camps and often wished they HAD been wiped out and that Hoses had never been born ...

Note: It has been studied for some time that Hoses was actually the first Biblical Homosexual. Observe the picture here, found in the early 1800's on a shroud in Egypt. There is much speculation that this is where the quote from the book of Toto comes from "Would Hoses take this piece of bread up his anus? Indeed, but only in the name of Love!"

Manasseh/Rope Teacher

Has anyone found his online re-incarnation yet?

This is My Last Incarnation

I swear. At least, it will be until someone I work with finds me and stalks me in hopes of finding a means with which to fire me.

Oh, the exciting world of vagina!

More of Me

I think I'm getting a little sick of me, but I suppose that's normal.

Isn't it?

Wet Animals

Everyone has had a bath. One of them is still mad at me. The other one realized I wasn't mad at her after I served her favorite meal for lunch.

Life is tough for the furry, four-legged ones, isn't it?